Im sick.

It's January 2013. Almost two years since I was diagnosed. (feb. 8th 2011) and I am having a huge episode. My entire right side of my body is numb. I have a burning sensation in it if I touch my leg or brush it against something. It really keeps me awake at night.

I got on the MS world chat and asked around if theres a way to make this numbness go away, i asked two days ago. There is nothing I can do besides go to the hospital, be admitted and have IV steriods.

I hate hospitals.

I don't want to go I dont like needles I will have a panic attack over the curtains swinging and I will miss Laila.


I packed her a diaper bag for a few days incase they keep me and Brooke or someone will have to keep her. I don't want to leave her while Im in there.  It's like going to prison. I lay in a bed in pain getting woken up every 4 hours and hurting so bad. Back pain. I swear I am in the body of an 82 year old. Not a 22 year old.

I talked to Amy (she has MS too) And she is pushing me to go to the ER right away, but I can't drive right now. I can't feel my right leg, I don't want to kill someone on the road.


I hurt. Im hoping the Doctors at the hospital will take me seriously and give me the meds I need. I am so tired of being disapointed when I am someone that actually needs meds, I dont just want them.

I hope the MRI doesn't show a ton of lesions too.

I am just a mess right now. I don't know what to do with myself.

Stay thirsty everyone.

UPDATE! Its been a while...

I havent posted a blog in a very long time, sorry.
Things that have happened in the last year:
I am expecting a baby girl anytime now.
I have started receiving SSI.
I havent had a horrible excaperation

The baby: I am due any day now with my first (and only) child.
I can't wait to meet her, her name is going to be Laila Alexanderia
I am engaged to the love of my life and father of my child, Jake.

The hardest part of being pregnant is being in pain caused by ms and now being able to fix it. no meds.


Good news though, i havent had to take one single shot since finding out i was pregnant...


I got my SSI. After almost two years and being denied 2 times, i finally had a court date and an awesome lawyer and I quallify now.


Just a short update. Maybe more tomorrow. Right now I am going to go to bed.


Take Care

Happily ever after.

Yesterday ( Feb. 6th 2012) was my one year since diagnosis.
I think in the past year, ive learned alot about myself and others and ive changed more in 365 days than i think i have in 21 years.


Ive learned who is truely my friend, what it means to be in a relationship, weather its a friendship or more and ive changed my perspective on people.
I dont judge as hard, because I dont want to be judged.
I have learned how to open up to people more, and to sit back and listen when other need it because i need it alot more now too.


Ive learned that you dont have to be 98 to be in pain 24/7
ive learned that a disease dont define you.
and ive learned to be more open to possibilities.


for 20 years i was a closed minded know it all snot, and i thought that a bad hair day was the end of the world.

but on feb. 6th 2011 my entire life changed so drastically that 20 year old kid came to a hard relization, and learned that there is more important things in life than boys, hair, and what it was i was going to do on friday night.


Even though 2011 was the worst year for me so far, i have learned alot about myself and others, and maybe i can look at this as a blessing in disguise.

So to everyone who reads these, thanks for listening to me complain and be happy and all my crazy time and mood swings..



(:

Stay thirsty everyone

edit:11/21/2012

Looking back at these brings tears to my eyes. I can see how much i have grown up and it really is hard to read about your own feelings about something you can't change and it never going away.
Even in the months its been since ive updated this, ive changed and grown up more.

"You use your disease as a crutch.."

"You use your disease as a crutch.."

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Please never use these words when speaking to me, or anyone else with a disease if you don't have the same disease as that person or me.

I heard these words last night and couldnt help but feel ashamed at the time.

BUT I thought about it. and I think this person can rot in hell.
If you dont know what i go through daily and you are not inside of my body or even around me 24/7 dont say anything like this about me.

I cant stand people that are so fast to judge.

I will complain, cry, or talk about my MS as much as I want to... if you dont like it... go away from me. I dont need people in my life that have no understanding of MS and no wish to know more.


MS isnt me, but I do have it. It has changed my life dramatically.
And I will share how I am feeling with the world, and its up to you if you want to listen or not, if not.. theres the door.


(:
Stay thirsty everyone!

MonSter

Today, on the agenda:

I was supposed to hurry up and finish shopping, I needed to get one more thing,

go home

get dressed

enjoy christmas eve with everyone else.

Did that happen?

HELL NO IT DIDN'T

I did get my shopping finished and opened up gifts with my family then when the extended family this MonSter inside of me decided to have world war III in my body and ruin my night.

I cried in front of my family for the first time (most of them) for hurting.

Heres the thing, I HATE crying in front of people. It makes me feel weak. BUT

The MonSter was beating me up, and almost won the war.

I wanted to crawl in my bed, and go to sleep forever, I cried, I bitched, I hurt. Then I realized I wasn't going to let MS ruin my holiday so I took some meds, and I think my body may be bipolar, perhaps? I'm fine now. 

Maybe it was the meds, maybe not. Either way, the MonSter was winning the battle, but I won the war. WOOT.

I'm very happy I got to spend tonight with my entire family, and I did have fun.

Have a good night everyone, merry christmas.

Stay thirsty.

Time.

I wish i had time to worry about normal things girls who are not sick at my age worry about.
I wish I could go out everynight like someone who isn't sick does.
I am happy that my MS isn't as bad as it could be, but I wish I could choose when to have it and when to not have it! But i do realize that that is not possible on December 13th, 2011 haha.
Ive been doing okay lately. I do hurt really bad, but I blame that on pushing myself to hard. Its hard to have normal people be able to hang out and stay up all night and I used to be one of them... and now I can't and I don't want people to be able to see that i'm not normal, and im not the old kaitlin so I push myself too far and have to pay for it for the next few days.
BUT If you're my friend, I don't want you to stop asking me to hang out or anything, because i am not dead yet, just sick. and I don't want to have to give in to my MS at all.

Something normal girls at my age worry about are guys right?
I used to be the most judgemental girl in the world. FOR  NOT REASON. I wasn;t some beautiful skinny model type girl, i just thought I was better than everyone because i had cool hair, cool friends, cool clothes, and I had the best taste in music. If a guy wanted to even talk to me I had a check list he must have passed or it wasn't happening.

He had to have a car ( I was 16 at the time too btw)
He had to have a job
He had to like the same music as I do.
He wouldn't be sick, that was for sure.

But that wasn;t really on my checklist.. It was just assumed.



Man how people can change!

Now, I'm starting to like someone whos sick, doesnt drive doesn't have a job/...

I don't know if my MS has made me change or just growing up.


Venting, i'm dont for now.

Stay thirsty friends. HAHA

just because it CAN happen, doesn't mean it will

Everyone that looks up what MS is after they find out I have it always has the same questions:
Where does it effect you at?
Oh, so you can't hold in your pee?
Oh, so you're using a wheel chair now?
Does it hurt that bad, because it says it doesnt...


LET ME CLEAR THINGS UP  BIT:
MS is different for everyone, not one single person experiences the same things when it comes to MS. Just because someone has to use a wheelchair, and another has a walker, doesn't mean I willl end up in one.
Luckily i don't have any bladder issues, and hopefully i never will, but that it a reality for some people with MS.
AND for me, YES. MS is painful, very painful.

i think that the people that say it doesn't hurt don't have it.
I will write more on this later, just venting a little right now.


Stay thirsty my friends.