MonSter

Today, on the agenda:

I was supposed to hurry up and finish shopping, I needed to get one more thing,

go home

get dressed

enjoy christmas eve with everyone else.

Did that happen?

HELL NO IT DIDN'T

I did get my shopping finished and opened up gifts with my family then when the extended family this MonSter inside of me decided to have world war III in my body and ruin my night.

I cried in front of my family for the first time (most of them) for hurting.

Heres the thing, I HATE crying in front of people. It makes me feel weak. BUT

The MonSter was beating me up, and almost won the war.

I wanted to crawl in my bed, and go to sleep forever, I cried, I bitched, I hurt. Then I realized I wasn't going to let MS ruin my holiday so I took some meds, and I think my body may be bipolar, perhaps? I'm fine now. 

Maybe it was the meds, maybe not. Either way, the MonSter was winning the battle, but I won the war. WOOT.

I'm very happy I got to spend tonight with my entire family, and I did have fun.

Have a good night everyone, merry christmas.

Stay thirsty.

Time.

I wish i had time to worry about normal things girls who are not sick at my age worry about.
I wish I could go out everynight like someone who isn't sick does.
I am happy that my MS isn't as bad as it could be, but I wish I could choose when to have it and when to not have it! But i do realize that that is not possible on December 13th, 2011 haha.
Ive been doing okay lately. I do hurt really bad, but I blame that on pushing myself to hard. Its hard to have normal people be able to hang out and stay up all night and I used to be one of them... and now I can't and I don't want people to be able to see that i'm not normal, and im not the old kaitlin so I push myself too far and have to pay for it for the next few days.
BUT If you're my friend, I don't want you to stop asking me to hang out or anything, because i am not dead yet, just sick. and I don't want to have to give in to my MS at all.

Something normal girls at my age worry about are guys right?
I used to be the most judgemental girl in the world. FOR  NOT REASON. I wasn;t some beautiful skinny model type girl, i just thought I was better than everyone because i had cool hair, cool friends, cool clothes, and I had the best taste in music. If a guy wanted to even talk to me I had a check list he must have passed or it wasn't happening.

He had to have a car ( I was 16 at the time too btw)
He had to have a job
He had to like the same music as I do.
He wouldn't be sick, that was for sure.

But that wasn;t really on my checklist.. It was just assumed.



Man how people can change!

Now, I'm starting to like someone whos sick, doesnt drive doesn't have a job/...

I don't know if my MS has made me change or just growing up.


Venting, i'm dont for now.

Stay thirsty friends. HAHA

just because it CAN happen, doesn't mean it will

Everyone that looks up what MS is after they find out I have it always has the same questions:
Where does it effect you at?
Oh, so you can't hold in your pee?
Oh, so you're using a wheel chair now?
Does it hurt that bad, because it says it doesnt...


LET ME CLEAR THINGS UP  BIT:
MS is different for everyone, not one single person experiences the same things when it comes to MS. Just because someone has to use a wheelchair, and another has a walker, doesn't mean I willl end up in one.
Luckily i don't have any bladder issues, and hopefully i never will, but that it a reality for some people with MS.
AND for me, YES. MS is painful, very painful.

i think that the people that say it doesn't hurt don't have it.
I will write more on this later, just venting a little right now.


Stay thirsty my friends.

Not a good day

Today is not a good day for me.
I woke up in so much pain.
MS pain is kind of hard to explain but I'll do my best.
My pain is mostly in my back.
The left upper part of my back.
It feels like something is squeezing me, with very hot hands. and little needles.
On a scale of 1-10 i'm at a 9.4.
I hurt so bad, I'm starting to tear up.
On top of hurting I am walking funny today too.
By funny I mean off, like I can't walk straight or fast for sure.
I hope this isn't the beginning of an exasperation.

I am also watching my sisters children. There's 2 of them. I love them so much, but it's hard to watch them when i'm hurting and all i want to do is sleep all day or make this pain go away.
On top of hurting I am tired. Exhausted. I want to sleep for 5 days straight. And I think I could with out a problem.

My right arm is going numb too, even as i'm typing this. Not numb like I can't feel it. Numb like when your foot falls asleep, you know that tingling feeling you get, but you can usually shake it and wake it up and it goes away? Kind of like that, but shaking it doesn't work.

I want so much right now, and I know theres worse out there and maybe i'm asking for too much but I just want this pain to go away.


I can't have any narcotics because the doctors think i'm too young but I didn't ask for this pain, and I didn't ask for MS either. I'm so tired of hurting! I want to be a normal 21 year old and go out have fun and be able to wake up at a normal time and go it again. But with MS I have to consider how I am going to feel later if I go do something, anything.

If I want to go out and hang out with friends, even drink a little I have to consider how I will feel the next day. Will I be numb? REALLY tired?
I just want to be normal so bad!

My new friend who also has MS said it the best:

When I told her that someone told me they want old Kaitlin back, not just talking and hearing about MS all the time. And my aunt told me that people who care wont care if all I talk about is MS because they understand I am going through a hard time. Amy said that well, old Kaitlin is gone. New Kaitlin has MS, and thats what matters right now to not waste energy on caring about how other people feel about me talking about MS. And I agree, people that care should understand I am going through the hardest thing i have ever gone thorough, i never imagined this would happen to me. I was invincible.   No one plans on getting a disease and this was just thrown on me. I don't want this and if all i can do is vent because i'm going through alot, well if you're my friend you should be listening and taking in everything I have to say. If you don't want to then bye! I don't need you in my life.

I am hurting so i'm venting alot. and now I'm in tears because of how bad I hurt. I hope today gets better.


Stay Well

I might understand a lot, but not this!

I don't get it. Why was I denied my disability yet, other people get theirs when we have THE SAME DISEASE!!
I know thats they may be older, or that they may have progressed a little bit more than me. BUT. I know that if I were to try to work right now, I would fall asleep on the job and if i didn't and I made it through and 8 hour day i would be SICK AS HELL for the next few days.

I have no energy
I have no coordination
I have no strength
I have no balance
I shake like i have parkensons
I have depression
But I do have good people skills, when I am awake to talk to them! HA!
I would never wish MS on anyone, even if i disliked them more than anyone. I may wish that they were in my shoes for like 5 minutes, because I don't think anyone understands, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone.


i don't think anyone that decides if someone is sick enough to have disability doesn't know any one personally that has disability at all.
It isn't a fair world, but I need this money. I can't live off of my parents forever. I feel like im stuck.
ahh I'm just venting.


Stay well.

I am so thankful, unfortunitly!

I am very thankful for a new friend I have in my life.
I wish we didn't share MS in common, but instead shared something else.
But its life, and we both understand it this way.

I am so happy I have a friend that really does get it. Understand that I am not faking or making up any of this MS stuff. I have a feeling her and I are going to get really close. Heres our story:

My sister tiffany calls me and says hey i have a friend i went to school with and you need to add her on facebook she has MS too and she said she would like to talk to you.
So, i added her, i'm always down to talk to new people with MS.

We were talking about everything from Drs. to meds to emotions to just daily life struggles, and then we started talking about other things, not just being sick!

She told me my sister told her where i live, not a big deal.. but come to find out she lives a half of a block away.
HOW COOL IS THAT!>!>?!?!
So today we met, she actually went to a dr apt. with me and helped me figure some stuff out.

I am very happy about my new friend!

Oh my Dr. apointment went well, i had some blood work done and the results should be in soon. I didn't like the needle at all, but it was quick. Anyway, I think I am going to go to a seminar, even though i said no because i was too chicken. I think it would be an experience i need to experience.


Stay well.

I certainly enjoy my good days!

AHH! Today is going to be a good day, although its already 4 pm haha. From 1-10 i'm at about a 4 for pain and i'm not shaking. Yesterday I was having tremors really bad, and then I woke up today and I'm not having them at all. MS is a weird disease! I think it's bipolar. It can't make up its mind. But I don't mind, if i'm really bad one day the next I might be fine (like today!!!!).

I have met some really interesting people lately.
I have the MSworld.org people. they are close to family. Any and every question I have they answer to the best of their abilities.
I havent personally met a lady that lives down the street from me, but she has MS too and I plan on meeting her soon. She answers a lot of my questions too!
A friend, that i'm starting to get close to that doesn't have MS but he has something else, and is going through just as hard of a time if not harder that i am!

I am so thankful for these people. I would perfer none of us were sick, but if we have to be at least we can be together right?
Ahh this is a short blog, don't want to waste a good day on the computer!

Stay Well.

Invisible...

I remember taking this picture.

We were in Los Angeles, Ca.

We (my family and best friend and I) has just walked down Hollywood Blvd.

This was a really hard day for me, I was in alot of pain but my walking wasn't too off, and I refused to let MS control my day and ruin anything. I was going to have fun.

The reason I posted this photo is because can you tell i'm in pain, that I have scars on my brain and all of my spine? That I have a walker for those bad days that I can't walk a straight line? What about that I took a cold shower that day because if I had taken a hot one I wouldn't have been in this picture or have gone on Hollywood Blvd at all, the hot water would have ruined all of that for me?

I hope your answers are no to my questions.

Multiple Sclerosis is an invisible disease, at first and i hope to keep it this way.

Right now, i'm smiling as i'm typing this because i'm remembering how much fun LA and CA is and how much I love going there. But I'm hurting. I'm getting used to the pain though. Something I wish I didn't have to be used to. 

What I mean by invisible is you can't see pain, you can't see someone elses double vision and you can't see if i'm sitting down I probably wont be getting up very fast. You can't see fear either. I have a fear everyday that my legs wont work when I wake up.

So memories are probably my favorite thing, and I'm happy I can share my good days with people I love and that love me. 

I am always taking pictures because one day I don't want to say "well i wish i could remember what happened that day but I can't.." because with MS foggy and lagging memory is very common. How many times have I told you a story? Then turned around and told you again with out realizing it? Chances are if I know you in real life, a lot. haha.

The point of this blog was to talk about how MS is an invisible disease. I don't think I would like it to be visible because I don't want people i am just meeting to know I'm sick, and have them give me "the look".

The pitty look.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with being sick, these blogs are mine. And I appreciate each and everyone of you that has taken the time to read them. so THANK YOU ALL.

Stay thirsty my friends (haha stay well.)

Happy thanksgiving you all

I know family means alot to everyone.

But when you're sick, FAMILY means even more.

I am very lucky to have the people I do im my life.

I appreciate each and everyone of you.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

This is going to be short, I have alot of visiting to do!!!

Stay Thirsty You All.

I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN!

REALLY HOT DAYS//REALLY COLD DAYS// AND EVERYOTHER DAY TOO.

My MS seems gets worse in the summer, when I was really hot was my worst days.

BUT

Now that it's starting to get cold I'm in so much pain.

I'm not sure if any of this will ever go away.

My back feels like something is squeezing so tight making it hard to breath, but squeezing with hands that are in fire, and the hands are holding needles.

This is a daily for me. Some days are worse, some are better. But it hasn't went away for the past 9months.

I have already took my pain meds and i don't want to over do them.

WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO TAKE A HOT BATH. OR SIT IN  A HOT TUB!!!

Not many of you know this, but with MS you can't sit in hot water, because it will make you feel like youre having a terrible flair for about 30-45 minutes. It goes away but is it worth feeling like that for a few minutes of  hot water? I don't think so.

Anyway, most of you come from my facebook, would you mind leaving me ideas and remedy's for pain relieving? I have to try something I can't have pain like this anymore, I have been tearing up from this for way too long today.

Stay well.

What a very un-productive day

So, yesterday, Haleigh my sister wakes me up at 9 am.
Most people wouldn't be mad about 9 am, but I had just fallen asleep at 7am, but i forced myself up for the day after she called. I spend some time with my sister and came back home too tired to do anything else. But i stayed awake so I would sleep at a normal time.  I made it till 8:30 pm and I was done, I think I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow. I figured i had done it, I was going to be on a normal scheduel now! Nope, wasnt happenening. I woke up at 9 again, thank you Haleigh for your daily phone calls! I stayed up, but i was exhaused and only made it til 12:00. So figured i'd take a nap, little did I know i'd wake up at 4pm.. thats a total 20 hours of sleep. See this is what happened::

I started a new medication called nuvigil, this medication is like meth in a bottle. That sounds terrible, i know but i dont have any other way to explain it. I have taken a total of 2 pills and i havent slept in 4 days, so i quit taking them and i still can't get on scheduel. Crazy how I went from sleeping 16 hours a day to not sleeping at all then back to sleeping 14 hours at a time. The whole reason i started this new medication was to help with energy but people like to sleep at some point just not for so long.


Enough talk about sleep, I want to write about something else. There is a website called MSworld.org
I love this site, because there is a chat room on it and people know about MS there. They are either diagnosed, goign to be diagnosed, or take care of someone with ms, or just know a friend/family member with MS (hint hint guys you should join.)
The only thing I don't like is it's a big reality check.
Most people are 30 40 50 60 even 70, not many people in their 20's and not many from missouri at all.
With that being said, most are already married have 14 kids and stuck in a wheel chair but it's okay because their happy little family is there to take care of them. They don't work but their bills are paid because their husbands/wives take on the bills.
I WANT THAT. My biggest fear is that i wont ever get married, have kids or find someone to put up with my MS because, lets face it even i don't want to put up with it.
Well, most of my readers would say "Kaitlin, don't worry you will find happiness, someone out there loves you and would be really happy to marry you, MS or not."

Maybe I'm just superficial, but I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who was already in a wheelchair, or who has MS because it's a burden. It makes everything harder on the relationship as it is.
I want to be happy one day. Why couldn't God wait to give me MS til i was 40 and already married with children? I would have been perfectly fine with having MS then, but no I had to get it at 20 years old.
I know, I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. And I am also jealous of all my sisters, who had long term relationships by the time they were my age, they were all healthy(except tiffany, but she didn't have MS.) and all of them were either a year from being pregnant or already had a kid or two. I don't get it.
i'm just ranting about how im jealous of everyone know, so this isn't going to be a very happy blog, my arms going numb again so i may end this soon anyway.

I'm just jealous, but i have a good reason, I think. I don't want to hear on my comments on this that I should be happy, and that there is someone out there for me. Unless you have his number a picture of him and his likes and dislikes, I really don't want to hear that.

Until you're in my shoes you wouldn't understand. Yes, MS sucks, being sick sucks, but not having someone besides your mom (which I am very happy shes there to help me) there to help you, its miserable.

Okay I'm done ranting.
Stay well.

I have found a new hero.

I may not be able to type much on this blog, because my entire right arm is numb. But what I want to say needs to be said.
" 

I have a video on youtube TNL420...its what ive gone through since i was 13 and am still going through,only meds that work for my MS is Chemo, and that sucks having to have that every 28days in hospital.But it saved my life and is letting me live alittle,3yrs and 4months i have been taking chemo my MS is a rare form and hit me like a storm like you will see in video, hope to talk again, lost all my friends cause of MS but i have the bestest mom in the world,she takes great care of me,and keeps me going and keeps me fighting. How is your MS? "

Those words had me bawling my eyes out, and makes me question so much in my life. It makes everything thats going on with me so much more real. You gues see the link, please please check out her video. My heart goes out to this young girl. 

I complain about taking a shot everyday because "normal people don't have to do that!" how selfish of me. This poor little girl is going through Chemo!!! And I just have to have a little prick and some burning and im done. I don't have to go through chemo every 28 days! 

I really couldn't imagine how her mom feels. Seeing her baby go through that every 28 days. I'm tearing up just typing this. 

This girl is my newly found hero, and deserves to be.

I know it seems like a terrible and unfair blessing, but maybe MS is a blessing is disguise. i say  this because I have found some of the coolest  nicest smartest people ive ever "met". I really think that what this girl is going through is helping me not think my own MS is the worst thing in the world.

I am going to add a link to her video at the end of this blog. Please watch it, oh and get a box of kleenex before you do. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0QRWCSCL5c

Well, my arm is falling off, so i'm going to go now.

oh and Rachel asked me to sign a blog with this:

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Life is just too short

I know, we've all heard this a million times, life is too short for this or that.,
BUT I MEAN IT.
Could any of you (that read these) imagine being in a huge argument with someone, then that person leaving mad, storms off to their car and gets in a car wreck and dies.
Im guessing that what ever your arguing about doesn't seem so important then, huh?
Well, luckily I haven't experiences that, and I never want to either. I know, i know, arguments are going to happen, it's life. None of are perfect, we are all assholes and we are all selfish, but would putting your pride aside just once really be a flaw? I'm not saying that what ever youre arguing with the other person is okay to let them walk all over you, but sometimes, some of us need to swollow some pride, I being one of them.

Unfortuneitly I learned this after becoming sick. Let me tell you about how terrible of a person I was:


I had a DUFF: a duff is a
D- designated
U: Ugly
F: FAT
F: Friend

I used her to go around guys, and I would always be the prettier one, she was annoying as hell and I couldn't stand her, but i used her. I used her alot.

Having a DUFF was a terrible thing to have, I am still paying for it too.
I had her as a friend for about a month before I was diagnosed, was it fair for me to act like someones friend just so i looked better? this poor girl was just looking for friends and she found me, a monster. Now, I will be paying for it for the rest of my life, i tore this girls little bit of self esteem down.

I have learned from my actions, and I will never ever have someone around to make me look better. EVER AGAIN.

Enough of the sad stuff; i told you guys I was going to blessthefall today, and that nothing would stop me from seeing them.
Well, I went. The show was awesome.
I spent most of the show with my jello like shaking legs annoying the hell out of me. But I managed. I think that it was an amazing show and im happy i didnt let anything or anyone hold me back from going.

Well, thats it for this blog.
Stay well.

Got me thinkin'...

So it's Saturday.
My plans for tonight are empty. I don't have any reason really, I feel fine. I slept all day, who would have thought, right?
I spent most of my night with Rachel, we went and got tickets to Blessthefall tomorrow, I can't wait.

But, her and I talked tonight about who will be attending this show tomorrow, and I would just like to say that Blessthefall are my boys, I have turned to their music for everything in my life, and I consider them good friends. NOTHING AND NO ONE WILL STOP ME FROM SEEING THEM.
but we were talking and she told me that number2 was going. i don't want to put her on blast, but maybe if i didn't think I had the right to say what I am going to i wouldn't.

Heres the thing and I hope I can make everyone understand where I am coming with this.

Number 2 and I were best friends, we were close and we had our up and downs but we always were back to being friends with an apology from me or her, which ever one needed to say i'm sorry and everything was okay, like it had never happened.

Well, last september I had refused to get a hotel because my mom didn't want to put her job on the line for one of my friends if I wasn't going to be there. Let me explain this, if you know me in real life you would know that my entire family works in hotels, most people are either a manager, but either way everyone works in a hotel, and when you work for a hotel, you get amazing rates, instead of 119.00 you will be paying 35.00, big difference huh? well, number 2 and i hadn't talked in like a month, for no reason at this point, there wasn't any drama just we didn't talk. she called and asked if I could get her a hotel in Texas, her and another one of my "friends" were going to a show out there, i talked to my mom and she said no because i wasn't going to be th ere. Which I understand, who wants to lose their job because of some kids? NOT ME!

Anyway september passed october I was spending alot of time with my newly found boyfriend, and that ended in december, still number two and i hadn't talked.

Feb I was put in the hospital, and i'm sure if you meet anyone with a life alterin disease they will agree that it feels like everything is being taken away from them when they are told they have the disease. its hard to explain, but it feels like everything in your world is crashing down, and you have no control over anything that is happening to you. All I wanted was for things to get back to normal, I DID NOT WANT PITY!! I wanted my friends, I needed my friends. You really learn alot about who you can turn to when youre sick. I needed my friends, and when you are in that hospital you have nothing better to do then sit there and think. i thought so much. I though about when my friend was going to come see me, and what she would say or what she would think. What would anyone say or think? Do people think I am contagious? Am I going to lose my friends? i didn't know, but I wanted everything to be back to normal, I wanted everything to be a dream and all of it be fake.

Well, I was embarrassed of my MS, and i still am to a point. But I learned more about it over the days I was in there and I didn't know what to think, but i know i needed my friends. When you're being told you have a disease and how much your life is going to change, every thing dramatic, or every little fight or argument you have had with someone seems so small, and unimportant at that time.

Well, i left the hospital, more people came to visit me at home, and time went on. Number two still never came to see me, I am 9months into this MS thing, and things change for me daily, I struggle with depression everyday over my MS but I manage it fine. But hearing someone say "hey kait, I know i havent been there for you and Im sorry, im here now" would change everything. swollowing a little bit of pride, would comepletely change my life. two words. i'm sorry. thats all it would take.

so most people would ask and have asked if i regret my best friend tattoo i have with her, do i hate her, am i still mad at her, why would i even want her in my life because she obviously doesnt want me? heres my answers to those questions. I would never regret this tattoo, she was a big part in my life, i dont regret a single second i was her friend. do i hate her? absolutly not, nothing in me could let me hate someone that was important to me like she was. Am I still mad at her? Nope. i am hurt, not mad. I want her in my life because she was a good friend to me, and i think it would help me feel more normal.

Well, it may have been rude of me to use names in this, but honestly it was because i don't think it should be suprising to anyone who it is im talking about and im pretty sure most people who read these know already who she is.


HERES what I wish everyone that I know would do.
If you know someone with a disease, from MS to cancer to diabetes, no matter what disease it is go see them. People that are sick are scared of being sick. I know that everyone who is sick probably seems like they are happy and doing just fine you don't need to go see them, but do it. It wont be time wasted. If it's someone you havent talked to in a while, do it anyway because it will mean something to them, for me it does. Everysingle person who has visited me in the last 9 months i want you to know how much it means to me. words can't even explain what its like to know you have people who are there for you.


Well, I hope this doesn't make anyone mad, but more opens peoples eyes and they go visit people who do need them. stay well.

Suprised?

Looks pretty happy huh?

THIS IS WHY I HATE MS.

I hate how the symptoms are invisible.

Most people would never guess that I am a walking pharmacy.

Copaxone, tramodol, vicodin, paxil, nuvigil,  naproxin, amantadine, cymbalta, and alot more i can't think of right now are all medications that i have tried for energy or PAIN. chronic daily pain.

I am only 21, I didn't think anything like this would ever happen to me, i was invinceable. Unfortuneitly Feburary 2011 happened, and i found out that I am not invincable at all.

No back to invisible symptoms: by invisible I mean, can you see that someone is tired? I mean yes you can, but after so many days of being tired, it kind of just becomes their daily look, no one has much empathy for someone thats tired because it is something (a normal, healthy person) can take care of by sleeping. but for people with MS sleeping doesn't take away being tired, at all. I have slept for 16 hours for many many many days, which makes someone feel terrible and lazy. 

another invisible symptom I have is dizziness. Now if you spin a little kid around for 30 seconds and watch them walk everyone gets a good laugh because they are going to stagger a little bit and probably fall down. Everyone knows the feeling of being dizzy. But could you imagine a day of being dizzy, no stopping at all.

Would probably scare you huh? Well, thats something I have ( i do have some good days). I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me, but understand a little bit better.

For me; this is my number one thing that makes me mad, about my MS.

I don't like it when someone tells me "just get a job, you will feel better about yourself." "just get up and go running, excersize a little and you will feel better." "just get up clean the house move around, you will feel better." "oh what your having isn't a flair, you just need sleep and you will be fine."

This is where I would stop reading if you get offended easily, or if you've ever said any of those to me.

When I hear that stuff, I want to tell them to shut the hell up, I don't not excersize because i'm lazy, I used to work everyday from the time I was 16 til i was 20, and I loved it. But I am sick, this isn't going to go away, it may get better but i'm stuck right now, and i don't want to hear someone who is healthy telling me what to do because guess what? you have never lived a day in my shoes, you can read about MS all you want, but until you live it YOU DONT KNOW. I don't care if you google search every symptom and you read about it till your brain is numb, even if you let me complain to you for hours on end, you still will never know. So, it would be more valuable to me, and probably you, if you just listened to me and agreed with my bad mood for the 10 minutes i will take venting to you. I don't like talking about MS 24/7 but it does feel better that someone is listening instead of suggesting i do things that I know just are not an option right now. I know i don't look like i'm weak and tired and old as hell, but I am feeling that way.

Now, I don't have a negative mood 24/7, and i'm trying not to today, but currently I am having new symptoms and I'm scared I may be having another flair.

And what makes me more mad about this is that I can't just explain it to anyone because i can't explain it at all. I have never experienced this one ever. 

The reason i posted that picture is because that is one of the (many) people in the world who bring happiness to me every time we speak. That is Aaron, my absolute best friend, and he makes me laugh, cry, probably pee my pants a few times (not ms related, haha, if yo get it you get it if not you dont lol) and he still has time to listen to me and he lets me complain to him and doesnt tell me i need to do this or that because he understand he's not in my shoes he's not THE SICK GIRL. but he doesnt treat me like I am either.

Which brings me to the whole reason I even started this blog today and I dont know how I got so side tracked.

I had a best friend, WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. I have been on more road trips with this girl than anyone else in my life, and I had fun. yah we would fight like best friends do, but we always came back to eachother. we have best friend tattoos and we would spend way too much time with eachother at the other persons job. it was a good time.

BUT I don't know where this happened but we slowly grew apart so we barely talked for a month, and knowing we would be friends again i wasn't too scared that I would lose her.

Well, when i got sick, it was as if i had done something wrong, I had chosen to have scares on my brain and I wanted to be sick.

She vanished, quit talking to me and was done. I don't know what I did wrong or to make someone be so disgusted with me because I was SICK. still to this day Im hurt by this, but I don't think anyone deserves to be around someone when they are healthy and good to go, if they are not there when they are really sick and stuck in the hospital.

I don't think I have ever been hurt this bad, by anyone. 

Well, my whole arms going numb (i know you can't see it, another invisible symptom) So i am going to have to go but i just felt the urge to VENT and this is where I chose to do so.

Take care.

There's a first for everything...

I'm starting this because I know of a fellow MS-er that has a blog on here and I think that  this would be a good place to VENT because I think a lot of people are getting pretty tired of hearing me complain, weather I think I have a legit reason to do so, I wouldn't want to hear it all the time either. Also I think this will help me not be so negative and bottle everything up. I don't think everything will be bad news though, I do have my good days.

So I'm going to start from my beginning, the hospital visits and how everything happened.

Jan. 28th 2011
I had went on a date (believe it or not) a few days before this day and I was told "you are very stumbley" I was embarrassed, because i have never been a skinny girl, ever. And I thought the reason I was so stumbley was because I was fat. What I mean by this is you see bigger girls with no confidence always walking funny, head held down and just walking with no confidence what so ever. But I started paying attention to my walking and I started noticing it too. i also was having vision problems, when i looked to the left everything I saw was blurry and I had double vision like I was drunk 24/7 but this had happened before two times, and i figured it would go away. i had my eyes checked last time it happened to them, and the Dr. told me i could have MS or a pseudo (meaning like a) tumor or a disease only fat young girls get (way to boost my confidence doc!). Also, I was being accused of being on pills again because I was walking funny and complaining about my vision problems. I hadnt touched anything and I didn't know what was going on.

So on jan 28th I went to the ER. I had explained to them what was going on, that i was walking and seeing as if I were drunk and it had been happening for the past 3 weeks. (right before i went in to the ER I was told I probably had a brain tumor, let me tell you, I wasn't scared at all. :insert sarcasm here:

So the doctor had me walk infront of him, i couldnt even walk a straight line, I was still thinking this was because I had no confidence what so ever.

The doctor ordered a CT scan, when the results came in this is what happened:
Doctor: well, your test results came up abnormal
ME: did you say normal or abnormal?
Doctor: ABnormal
then he left the room.
It was almost 1 am at this point, I FREAKED out and called my mom knowing she worked the next day, but i was really scared that the doctor was going to tell me i was dying and only had so long to live...

Well, the doctor ordered another test, an MRI.
After these results came in, he told me i had lesions on my brain, I didn't know what those were so he explained to me that lesions are scars, I had one old one and two new ones (now i know why my vision problems had happened before).

I asked to see the MRI, he showed it to me, told me that the neurologist on property thought it could be MS and i needed to see a doctor within 3 days because I didn't have  insurance at the time, they couldn't help me much (F.U. Center Point).

Well, my mom called around, and with no luck we decided to go to KU med, because a family friends mother was actually a MS specialists nurse.

I went to the ER at KU med, where I showed them my CD that centerpoint gave me.
They had a (really cute) neurologist come down and do some tests on me.
By tests I mean, look at my disk i had brought, follow his finger, walk in front of him and he was sold! i needed to stay in the hospital for 6 days on IV steriods and they were going to run some tests, what kind of tests you ask? I'll get to that in a second.

Now, i know I have lots of tattoos and piercings, but one thing I DO NOT like are needles, I can't stand them.
He tells me everything that he wants done, an IV of steriods for 6 days, another MRI, and something called a lumbar puncture. I asked what that was and he tells me its like a spinal tap, where they will take out some spinal fluid and test it. I was also given some blood tests.

When the lumbar puncture was done I don't remember, infact i don't remember much of the 7 days I was in the hospital for, I was either sleeping or so drugged up that i don't remember anything.
My second MRI showed that i had several lesions on my spine, by several i'm not sure how many that means, but it is scary to think about. I want to know what my spine looks like and my brain, like I want to see the scars with out looking at the MRI-s. Well, kind of, I don't want to have to see them all the time, I think that I would be depressed 24/7, maybe thats because Im superficial, I am not sure...?

So when I thanked everyone for coming i don't remember them all and that made me feel like a terrible person.
Anyway, this hospital is amazing. I was told everything and anything I wanted to know about MS and then some.
 Now I still have questions and live life everyday with curiosity but everyone would because no one has Ms the same, no one. Kind of like a finger print no one is the same.

Well, i have been diagnosed for 9 months now, which is insane to me because it feels like it was yesterday.

I will continue this later but at least I have the beginning out of the way. This is my story and it's only beginning now.