MonSter

Today, on the agenda:

I was supposed to hurry up and finish shopping, I needed to get one more thing,

go home

get dressed

enjoy christmas eve with everyone else.

Did that happen?

HELL NO IT DIDN'T

I did get my shopping finished and opened up gifts with my family then when the extended family this MonSter inside of me decided to have world war III in my body and ruin my night.

I cried in front of my family for the first time (most of them) for hurting.

Heres the thing, I HATE crying in front of people. It makes me feel weak. BUT

The MonSter was beating me up, and almost won the war.

I wanted to crawl in my bed, and go to sleep forever, I cried, I bitched, I hurt. Then I realized I wasn't going to let MS ruin my holiday so I took some meds, and I think my body may be bipolar, perhaps? I'm fine now. 

Maybe it was the meds, maybe not. Either way, the MonSter was winning the battle, but I won the war. WOOT.

I'm very happy I got to spend tonight with my entire family, and I did have fun.

Have a good night everyone, merry christmas.

Stay thirsty.

Time.

I wish i had time to worry about normal things girls who are not sick at my age worry about.
I wish I could go out everynight like someone who isn't sick does.
I am happy that my MS isn't as bad as it could be, but I wish I could choose when to have it and when to not have it! But i do realize that that is not possible on December 13th, 2011 haha.
Ive been doing okay lately. I do hurt really bad, but I blame that on pushing myself to hard. Its hard to have normal people be able to hang out and stay up all night and I used to be one of them... and now I can't and I don't want people to be able to see that i'm not normal, and im not the old kaitlin so I push myself too far and have to pay for it for the next few days.
BUT If you're my friend, I don't want you to stop asking me to hang out or anything, because i am not dead yet, just sick. and I don't want to have to give in to my MS at all.

Something normal girls at my age worry about are guys right?
I used to be the most judgemental girl in the world. FOR  NOT REASON. I wasn;t some beautiful skinny model type girl, i just thought I was better than everyone because i had cool hair, cool friends, cool clothes, and I had the best taste in music. If a guy wanted to even talk to me I had a check list he must have passed or it wasn't happening.

He had to have a car ( I was 16 at the time too btw)
He had to have a job
He had to like the same music as I do.
He wouldn't be sick, that was for sure.

But that wasn;t really on my checklist.. It was just assumed.



Man how people can change!

Now, I'm starting to like someone whos sick, doesnt drive doesn't have a job/...

I don't know if my MS has made me change or just growing up.


Venting, i'm dont for now.

Stay thirsty friends. HAHA

just because it CAN happen, doesn't mean it will

Everyone that looks up what MS is after they find out I have it always has the same questions:
Where does it effect you at?
Oh, so you can't hold in your pee?
Oh, so you're using a wheel chair now?
Does it hurt that bad, because it says it doesnt...


LET ME CLEAR THINGS UP  BIT:
MS is different for everyone, not one single person experiences the same things when it comes to MS. Just because someone has to use a wheelchair, and another has a walker, doesn't mean I willl end up in one.
Luckily i don't have any bladder issues, and hopefully i never will, but that it a reality for some people with MS.
AND for me, YES. MS is painful, very painful.

i think that the people that say it doesn't hurt don't have it.
I will write more on this later, just venting a little right now.


Stay thirsty my friends.

Not a good day

Today is not a good day for me.
I woke up in so much pain.
MS pain is kind of hard to explain but I'll do my best.
My pain is mostly in my back.
The left upper part of my back.
It feels like something is squeezing me, with very hot hands. and little needles.
On a scale of 1-10 i'm at a 9.4.
I hurt so bad, I'm starting to tear up.
On top of hurting I am walking funny today too.
By funny I mean off, like I can't walk straight or fast for sure.
I hope this isn't the beginning of an exasperation.

I am also watching my sisters children. There's 2 of them. I love them so much, but it's hard to watch them when i'm hurting and all i want to do is sleep all day or make this pain go away.
On top of hurting I am tired. Exhausted. I want to sleep for 5 days straight. And I think I could with out a problem.

My right arm is going numb too, even as i'm typing this. Not numb like I can't feel it. Numb like when your foot falls asleep, you know that tingling feeling you get, but you can usually shake it and wake it up and it goes away? Kind of like that, but shaking it doesn't work.

I want so much right now, and I know theres worse out there and maybe i'm asking for too much but I just want this pain to go away.


I can't have any narcotics because the doctors think i'm too young but I didn't ask for this pain, and I didn't ask for MS either. I'm so tired of hurting! I want to be a normal 21 year old and go out have fun and be able to wake up at a normal time and go it again. But with MS I have to consider how I am going to feel later if I go do something, anything.

If I want to go out and hang out with friends, even drink a little I have to consider how I will feel the next day. Will I be numb? REALLY tired?
I just want to be normal so bad!

My new friend who also has MS said it the best:

When I told her that someone told me they want old Kaitlin back, not just talking and hearing about MS all the time. And my aunt told me that people who care wont care if all I talk about is MS because they understand I am going through a hard time. Amy said that well, old Kaitlin is gone. New Kaitlin has MS, and thats what matters right now to not waste energy on caring about how other people feel about me talking about MS. And I agree, people that care should understand I am going through the hardest thing i have ever gone thorough, i never imagined this would happen to me. I was invincible.   No one plans on getting a disease and this was just thrown on me. I don't want this and if all i can do is vent because i'm going through alot, well if you're my friend you should be listening and taking in everything I have to say. If you don't want to then bye! I don't need you in my life.

I am hurting so i'm venting alot. and now I'm in tears because of how bad I hurt. I hope today gets better.


Stay Well