Not a good day

Today is not a good day for me.
I woke up in so much pain.
MS pain is kind of hard to explain but I'll do my best.
My pain is mostly in my back.
The left upper part of my back.
It feels like something is squeezing me, with very hot hands. and little needles.
On a scale of 1-10 i'm at a 9.4.
I hurt so bad, I'm starting to tear up.
On top of hurting I am walking funny today too.
By funny I mean off, like I can't walk straight or fast for sure.
I hope this isn't the beginning of an exasperation.

I am also watching my sisters children. There's 2 of them. I love them so much, but it's hard to watch them when i'm hurting and all i want to do is sleep all day or make this pain go away.
On top of hurting I am tired. Exhausted. I want to sleep for 5 days straight. And I think I could with out a problem.

My right arm is going numb too, even as i'm typing this. Not numb like I can't feel it. Numb like when your foot falls asleep, you know that tingling feeling you get, but you can usually shake it and wake it up and it goes away? Kind of like that, but shaking it doesn't work.

I want so much right now, and I know theres worse out there and maybe i'm asking for too much but I just want this pain to go away.


I can't have any narcotics because the doctors think i'm too young but I didn't ask for this pain, and I didn't ask for MS either. I'm so tired of hurting! I want to be a normal 21 year old and go out have fun and be able to wake up at a normal time and go it again. But with MS I have to consider how I am going to feel later if I go do something, anything.

If I want to go out and hang out with friends, even drink a little I have to consider how I will feel the next day. Will I be numb? REALLY tired?
I just want to be normal so bad!

My new friend who also has MS said it the best:

When I told her that someone told me they want old Kaitlin back, not just talking and hearing about MS all the time. And my aunt told me that people who care wont care if all I talk about is MS because they understand I am going through a hard time. Amy said that well, old Kaitlin is gone. New Kaitlin has MS, and thats what matters right now to not waste energy on caring about how other people feel about me talking about MS. And I agree, people that care should understand I am going through the hardest thing i have ever gone thorough, i never imagined this would happen to me. I was invincible.   No one plans on getting a disease and this was just thrown on me. I don't want this and if all i can do is vent because i'm going through alot, well if you're my friend you should be listening and taking in everything I have to say. If you don't want to then bye! I don't need you in my life.

I am hurting so i'm venting alot. and now I'm in tears because of how bad I hurt. I hope today gets better.


Stay Well