Got me thinkin'...

So it's Saturday.
My plans for tonight are empty. I don't have any reason really, I feel fine. I slept all day, who would have thought, right?
I spent most of my night with Rachel, we went and got tickets to Blessthefall tomorrow, I can't wait.

But, her and I talked tonight about who will be attending this show tomorrow, and I would just like to say that Blessthefall are my boys, I have turned to their music for everything in my life, and I consider them good friends. NOTHING AND NO ONE WILL STOP ME FROM SEEING THEM.
but we were talking and she told me that number2 was going. i don't want to put her on blast, but maybe if i didn't think I had the right to say what I am going to i wouldn't.

Heres the thing and I hope I can make everyone understand where I am coming with this.

Number 2 and I were best friends, we were close and we had our up and downs but we always were back to being friends with an apology from me or her, which ever one needed to say i'm sorry and everything was okay, like it had never happened.

Well, last september I had refused to get a hotel because my mom didn't want to put her job on the line for one of my friends if I wasn't going to be there. Let me explain this, if you know me in real life you would know that my entire family works in hotels, most people are either a manager, but either way everyone works in a hotel, and when you work for a hotel, you get amazing rates, instead of 119.00 you will be paying 35.00, big difference huh? well, number 2 and i hadn't talked in like a month, for no reason at this point, there wasn't any drama just we didn't talk. she called and asked if I could get her a hotel in Texas, her and another one of my "friends" were going to a show out there, i talked to my mom and she said no because i wasn't going to be th ere. Which I understand, who wants to lose their job because of some kids? NOT ME!

Anyway september passed october I was spending alot of time with my newly found boyfriend, and that ended in december, still number two and i hadn't talked.

Feb I was put in the hospital, and i'm sure if you meet anyone with a life alterin disease they will agree that it feels like everything is being taken away from them when they are told they have the disease. its hard to explain, but it feels like everything in your world is crashing down, and you have no control over anything that is happening to you. All I wanted was for things to get back to normal, I DID NOT WANT PITY!! I wanted my friends, I needed my friends. You really learn alot about who you can turn to when youre sick. I needed my friends, and when you are in that hospital you have nothing better to do then sit there and think. i thought so much. I though about when my friend was going to come see me, and what she would say or what she would think. What would anyone say or think? Do people think I am contagious? Am I going to lose my friends? i didn't know, but I wanted everything to be back to normal, I wanted everything to be a dream and all of it be fake.

Well, I was embarrassed of my MS, and i still am to a point. But I learned more about it over the days I was in there and I didn't know what to think, but i know i needed my friends. When you're being told you have a disease and how much your life is going to change, every thing dramatic, or every little fight or argument you have had with someone seems so small, and unimportant at that time.

Well, i left the hospital, more people came to visit me at home, and time went on. Number two still never came to see me, I am 9months into this MS thing, and things change for me daily, I struggle with depression everyday over my MS but I manage it fine. But hearing someone say "hey kait, I know i havent been there for you and Im sorry, im here now" would change everything. swollowing a little bit of pride, would comepletely change my life. two words. i'm sorry. thats all it would take.

so most people would ask and have asked if i regret my best friend tattoo i have with her, do i hate her, am i still mad at her, why would i even want her in my life because she obviously doesnt want me? heres my answers to those questions. I would never regret this tattoo, she was a big part in my life, i dont regret a single second i was her friend. do i hate her? absolutly not, nothing in me could let me hate someone that was important to me like she was. Am I still mad at her? Nope. i am hurt, not mad. I want her in my life because she was a good friend to me, and i think it would help me feel more normal.

Well, it may have been rude of me to use names in this, but honestly it was because i don't think it should be suprising to anyone who it is im talking about and im pretty sure most people who read these know already who she is.


HERES what I wish everyone that I know would do.
If you know someone with a disease, from MS to cancer to diabetes, no matter what disease it is go see them. People that are sick are scared of being sick. I know that everyone who is sick probably seems like they are happy and doing just fine you don't need to go see them, but do it. It wont be time wasted. If it's someone you havent talked to in a while, do it anyway because it will mean something to them, for me it does. Everysingle person who has visited me in the last 9 months i want you to know how much it means to me. words can't even explain what its like to know you have people who are there for you.


Well, I hope this doesn't make anyone mad, but more opens peoples eyes and they go visit people who do need them. stay well.