Suprised?

Looks pretty happy huh?

THIS IS WHY I HATE MS.

I hate how the symptoms are invisible.

Most people would never guess that I am a walking pharmacy.

Copaxone, tramodol, vicodin, paxil, nuvigil,  naproxin, amantadine, cymbalta, and alot more i can't think of right now are all medications that i have tried for energy or PAIN. chronic daily pain.

I am only 21, I didn't think anything like this would ever happen to me, i was invinceable. Unfortuneitly Feburary 2011 happened, and i found out that I am not invincable at all.

No back to invisible symptoms: by invisible I mean, can you see that someone is tired? I mean yes you can, but after so many days of being tired, it kind of just becomes their daily look, no one has much empathy for someone thats tired because it is something (a normal, healthy person) can take care of by sleeping. but for people with MS sleeping doesn't take away being tired, at all. I have slept for 16 hours for many many many days, which makes someone feel terrible and lazy. 

another invisible symptom I have is dizziness. Now if you spin a little kid around for 30 seconds and watch them walk everyone gets a good laugh because they are going to stagger a little bit and probably fall down. Everyone knows the feeling of being dizzy. But could you imagine a day of being dizzy, no stopping at all.

Would probably scare you huh? Well, thats something I have ( i do have some good days). I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me, but understand a little bit better.

For me; this is my number one thing that makes me mad, about my MS.

I don't like it when someone tells me "just get a job, you will feel better about yourself." "just get up and go running, excersize a little and you will feel better." "just get up clean the house move around, you will feel better." "oh what your having isn't a flair, you just need sleep and you will be fine."

This is where I would stop reading if you get offended easily, or if you've ever said any of those to me.

When I hear that stuff, I want to tell them to shut the hell up, I don't not excersize because i'm lazy, I used to work everyday from the time I was 16 til i was 20, and I loved it. But I am sick, this isn't going to go away, it may get better but i'm stuck right now, and i don't want to hear someone who is healthy telling me what to do because guess what? you have never lived a day in my shoes, you can read about MS all you want, but until you live it YOU DONT KNOW. I don't care if you google search every symptom and you read about it till your brain is numb, even if you let me complain to you for hours on end, you still will never know. So, it would be more valuable to me, and probably you, if you just listened to me and agreed with my bad mood for the 10 minutes i will take venting to you. I don't like talking about MS 24/7 but it does feel better that someone is listening instead of suggesting i do things that I know just are not an option right now. I know i don't look like i'm weak and tired and old as hell, but I am feeling that way.

Now, I don't have a negative mood 24/7, and i'm trying not to today, but currently I am having new symptoms and I'm scared I may be having another flair.

And what makes me more mad about this is that I can't just explain it to anyone because i can't explain it at all. I have never experienced this one ever. 

The reason i posted that picture is because that is one of the (many) people in the world who bring happiness to me every time we speak. That is Aaron, my absolute best friend, and he makes me laugh, cry, probably pee my pants a few times (not ms related, haha, if yo get it you get it if not you dont lol) and he still has time to listen to me and he lets me complain to him and doesnt tell me i need to do this or that because he understand he's not in my shoes he's not THE SICK GIRL. but he doesnt treat me like I am either.

Which brings me to the whole reason I even started this blog today and I dont know how I got so side tracked.

I had a best friend, WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. I have been on more road trips with this girl than anyone else in my life, and I had fun. yah we would fight like best friends do, but we always came back to eachother. we have best friend tattoos and we would spend way too much time with eachother at the other persons job. it was a good time.

BUT I don't know where this happened but we slowly grew apart so we barely talked for a month, and knowing we would be friends again i wasn't too scared that I would lose her.

Well, when i got sick, it was as if i had done something wrong, I had chosen to have scares on my brain and I wanted to be sick.

She vanished, quit talking to me and was done. I don't know what I did wrong or to make someone be so disgusted with me because I was SICK. still to this day Im hurt by this, but I don't think anyone deserves to be around someone when they are healthy and good to go, if they are not there when they are really sick and stuck in the hospital.

I don't think I have ever been hurt this bad, by anyone. 

Well, my whole arms going numb (i know you can't see it, another invisible symptom) So i am going to have to go but i just felt the urge to VENT and this is where I chose to do so.

Take care.